I’ve heard of postpartum depression… but never prenatal depression. It wasn’t even on my radar of something I could get. This was my third pregnancy… I thought I knew everything about the changes in my hormones and my body but I was wrong.
Within a week of getting a positive pregnancy test I could barely function. I had no motivation and could hardly get out of bed. Yes, I was tired, but it was so much more than that. A darkness began to set over me and it felt like I had no control over its presence. One thing you need to understand about me is I’ve never struggled with depression. Ever. Actually, to be completely honest I barely understood it. Close people in my life have felt it but not me. Frankly, there’s nothing like it.
I read this amazing blog post that 5 things you need to know about pre-natal depression. It helped put works to all the things I was feeling so instead of re-writing it here’s the link to go read it yourself: ARTICLE
I found myself hating the word “depression” especially when I would hear it out of other people mouths. It’s like when someone else said those words, it sounded fake. It didn’t capture how I actually felt. The only word I really felt like described it was “darkness”. The last year of my life was nothing even close to that! I’m a pretty upbeat person. I love parties, people, and any reason to celebrate.
It was like that person was gone and there was no magic solution to get her back.
For those of you reading this that don’t struggle with this darkness… it’s not a “just get out of bed and workout” kind of fix. So please stop thinking that of those who struggle.
At only 6 weeks pregnant, I found myself sitting in a therapist office before I had even told my family. I knew I needed help and it wasn’t going to come from me, my husband, or my best friend. This darkness was scary and not something I had the tools to combat it. Currently still seeing a therapist and although it doesn’t “fix” everything… it really helps. If you have thought about seeing a counselor or therapist and haven’t gone, I want to encourage you to go. Don’t let the stigma of getting help or the financial investment stop you from going.
If there are women out there that feel/ have felt like this and don’t know how to navigate it… please find someone to talk to. I wanted to share this experience to make you know like you’re not alone… because that feeling is horrible and terrifying… especially if you’ve never felt it before. I hope this dialogue makes women feel understood, not abandoned.
Do you have a similar story? Tell me about it, I’d love to hear your experience.